English and Pakistani reflections

I do apologise for not having updated my blog for a while, unfortunately I have been having a few internet issues. First I got a virus on my computer in Pakistan, then I went home and with quite astounding stupidity managed to put the same virus on my parents computer (making a quick exit back to Pakistan advisable). Then when back in Pak I still didn’t have internet on my computer and then toddled off to the Northern Areas for a week where yaks were more in abundance than computers (apparently, though I didn’t see any). So, after that long apology and list of excuses, here follows what I wrote in the UK. But stay tuned, as they say, to the blog in the next couple of days cos I’ve got loads more exciting stuff in the pipeline – an interview with a lady who spent a year working in Afghanistan, a story of reconciliation and forgiveness in a village after an honour killing, and of course more insightful and deep comments about life in Pakistan (maybe?!). What follows is what I wrote in the UK:

So, I’m back in the UK again, for a two-week holiday. The main reason for coming back was my friends wedding, which was beautiful. But the extent of vacillation in making my mind up whether to come back had seriously never been seen before in the history of, well, history. I eventually decided I definitely would come back, five days before the flight, (after deciding I definitely wouldn’t) when I got a virus on my computer, thought I lost 8 months work and diagnosed myself with all stress related and heat related disorders in the medical handbook so helpfully given to us by VSO. (I am reminded of Three Men in a Boat – I know I didn’t have housemaid’s knee, but as for everything else….Seriously, my hair started coming out by the chunkful, and I was getting fairly concerned. The following comments on it really didn’t help my stress levels: a) is radiation causing it? and b) if the whole hair falls out it is not likely to grow back). But you’ll be pleased to know that my computer was restored to its former glory by a wonderful VSO volunteer to whom I will be forever grateful.

I did feel slightly guilty in coming back, for several reasons. I felt slightly like I was running away from my problems, instead of facing up to them. And also that was complicated by a feeling of guilt that the people I work with are unable to jump on a plane to get away from the heat, the gender inequalities, and the constant tension due to terrorism.

When I arrived back a week ago I could not get my head around the fact that a mere eight hours can make such a difference to everything – to my life, to the whole world, to what I can eat, where I can go, what I can do. Everything was different – on the surface everything looks different, and underneath all cultural values and world views are completely different. It was a shock seeing women walking around by themselves in short skirts, a surprise seeing churches again, so many new cars on the road, - nothing has changed in the UK but I was slightly mixed up…

But now I have decided that it was good coming back and having a break. I’ve been able to clear my head and to think things through, especially about why I was getting so stressed. I was really losing my tolerance level and my ability to see things through another’s point of view. I was looking at aspects of Pakistani culture from a typically western point of view (all the negative aspects of arranged marriages, all the restrictions due to gender etc etc) rather than trying to understand aspects of the culture that are completely alien to western cultural values from a Pakistani point of view instead. It really doesn’t help in my efforts at world peace and challenging barriers between the East and the West (on a minute scale) if I conveniently forgot that some (definitely not all) Pakistani girls are happy to have arranged marriages, and arranged marriages come from a long heritage of serving the family rather than the individual focus in the west, and there might actually be some negative things associated with the rampant individualism of the west.

I’ve been doing some reading as well as thinking since I’ve been back and realising that trying to understand another culture is like peeling an onion and the layers get more intricate and complicated as you go, and it is neverending! (hope you like the metaphor). I and other VSOs are often asked for help from people like how to get a UK visa, people looking for jobs in INGOs, that sort of thing. We were thinking that people just wanted to get to know us because they wanted something from us, we were just being used. But I am slowly realising that this is how things work in Pakistan, that contacts through family and friends are the prime means through which people get jobs, run businesses, politics is accomplished and actually the whole way the country runs. And I am also realising that people never say no to a request for help, as it is seen as shameful. I thought that the best way to deal with requests was to be honest and to say that I can’t help, but Pakistani’s were quite surprised by my response, so now I know why. And difficulties can be caused when ideas about shame / honour take precedence over being honest.

And I’ve been thinking through how to respond to the amazing hospitality that I have been shown. I have to be able to reciprocate it in some way, but given the level of my cooking skills that is not really an option. I did come up with a cunning plan – to fill my suitcase with my mum’s amazing chocolate brownie. Surprisingly enough mum didn’t seem as enamoured with my plan as I did, but I’ll work on her….

There are things I know I find difficult to implement personally about Pakistani culture because they are so alien to the way I have been brought up. For example, I still cannot just go around to a person’s house without an invitation – I feel like I could be intruding no matter how many times people tell me that it is an honour for them to have guests. And between friends, ‘sorry’ and ‘thank you’ are not said – not having to say sorry implies that friends forgive each other unreservedly, and not saying thank you implies an expectation that friends would serve one another. But I find this very difficult as I have to show gratitude when people do things for me.

I am thoroughly enjoying my time back in the UK, the wedding was so lovely, and it was been great catching up with friends and family. And I really have been thoroughly enjoying the vast range and quality of English food. I knew I wasn’t eating very much in Pakistan but I didn’t realise the extent of my hunger until confronted with the choice inside my parents’ fridge, and the difficult decision of where to start. It took me six days to eat so much my stomach was painful after every meal, but then I realised I got over it when I was defeated by two weetabix for breakfast. Unfortunately I didn’t really have the excuse that I needed feeding up as I didn’t actually lose any weight in Pakistan (due to the amount of fat in the food) but I justified my drooling over a baguette at Kings Cross and taking large amounts of time deliberating over menus by making the most of the opportunities available to me. Especially with pork. I had a temporary set back after the following comment from my brother ‘I do so admire people who can set aside their principles for the sake of their stomachs’ on my reaching for a sausage, but I fully intend to rediscover my vegetarianism on my final return to the UK. I don’t want to give the impression that I don’t like Pakistani food – that wasn’t the problem. The problem was cooking for myself as it was so hot and there were so many ants and I was so tired (I can really sense your sympathy). I usually ended up having noodles or baked beans on toast for dinner. Got a bit fed up in the end. (BTW baked beans were available in my local shop but not any more – I think I was the only person who bought them in several years, and the shopkeeper greeted me like a long lost child and sold all his remaining tins to me in one go). Anyway, perhaps that is enough about food now.

So, I’m going to go back (hopefully) having rediscovered compassion and tolerance, but I am also going to go back more realistic. Although the culture seems to get more confusing the deeper I go, I have to realise that some things I will never fully understand, and some things that I can never accept, but I can do my best to empathise and try to behave without causing offense. It is a privilege to be there and to learn more about this (infinitely confusing) society.