Notes on reintegration in western society

'Emotional rollercoaster' aptly describes the journey I have been experiencing these two weeks back in the UK. Laughing and crying over the cheeses at the local supermarket, admitting to an unsympathetic till person at a newsagent that I had completely forgotten how to put money on my phone, and sitting with my head in my hands at Epsom station listening to the same lady repeating the same announcements that I hoped I had forever escaped from. The list goes on. But first let me explain about the cheese counter - all I wanted was some plain English cheddar but the sheer number of cheeses available completely bamboozled me, and then in desperation I reached out to whatever was nearest and grabbed crunchy cheese'. Well, I don't know who in their right mind would want to eat crunchy cheese, but I guess there must be some market for it from the broad range of palates in Epsom.

Reintegration back into UK society requires remembering the following concepts:

(a) punctuality: trains leave on time, particularly when you are late (conversely, arriving particularly early for a train will almost certainly ensure that it will be late). Pakistani notions of time and punctuality need to be quickly forgotten in these circumstances.

(b) friendship between the sexes: hugging a male friend outside does not require you to sheepishly look over both shoulders to ensure that such outrageous behaviour has not been seen by any passers by.

(c) individualism and conformity: reconfigure your ideas of western individualism by standing in any town high street and counting the number of people wearing blue jeans and black coats

(d) western technology: having spent a year reminiscing about how great English technology is, it can be a bit of a shock to realise that reminiscences may have clouded reality. For example, central heating may be great, but its expense precludes its frequent use. Therefore, the use of several jumpers and fleeces inside the house is as necessary in the UK as it is in Pakistan, where gas heaters may be less heat efficient but at least they are cheap and easy to use, and therefore used.

(e) language: the frequent use of 'Inshallah' is unnecessary and not really understood by the general British public. And a quick return to the English vernacular is recommended to avoid confusion ('text' instead of 'sms', 'toilet' instead of 'washroom', 'study tour' instead of 'exposure visit'....'

(f) gentlemanly behaviour: there is a need to realise as quickly as possible that men do not always offer to carry ladies bags here, therefore building up arm muscles again is a must. That way it is possible to avoid embarrassing situations like struggling down Oxford high street with two heavy bags and being overtaken by old ladies with zimmer frames.

And finally, there is a need to realise that some things about British culture may never be understood. Why some girls think it is a good idea to wear tiny tiny skirts with tights in temperatures below freezing will forever escape me.